Saturday
Jan082011
Glamour Shots
Saturday, January 8, 2011 at 1:52PM 
Photo of Crystal Renn by Terry Richardson for Vogue Paris, courtesy of www.kellyclaman.comIt's a new year, so it's the perfect time to get revenge. You heard me. It's the perfect time to post your revenge glamour shot on Facebook. It's time to make all those nice boys who passed you over and paid you no mind in school weep like widda babies. Make them regret passing you over. Show them what an Everyday Glamour Chick, (E.G.C.), you've become. What? You were too busy kissing jerks to even give the nice boys a chance? Sometimes two different jerks in one day? Excuses, excuses!!! Sally, Sally, just face the facts, the nice boys passed you over. A big booty and a smile just wasn't enough for them. They went for Paula, with her blue eyes and blond ringlets. They all just looooved Paula. And they went for Cara, (spelled with a "C"), that saucy red-headed seductress who trumped you with her crop-top and bottle of Heineken. And who could forget Laura? Sweet brown-eyed Laura. She was so sweet it made you want to puke.
The revenge Glamour Shot takes a little work, but it is well worth the effort. Here are the steps:
- Pile on the makeup. Go ahead. Pile it, shelack it, spackle it, do whatever it takes, girl!
- Go to a dimly lit bar. A dimly lit bar provides the perfect lighting for your glamour shot, because it cancels out all that makeup.
- Bring a partner in crime, preferably your sluttiest girlfriend. You can take turns taking pictures of each other. Even better, let your Gay boyfriend, (G.B.F.), tag along. He can take photos of you two together. He will tell you that you're "fierce".
- Your camera of choice is an IPhone, held lengthwise and close-up. It magically makes you look longer and leaner. How great is that? You don't even have to give up eating sausage!
- Wear silk. Silk emphasizes curves. So you'll look stacked even if all you got are mosquito bites.
- Hold a glass of wine. It's more sophistocated than a bottle of Heineken.
- Take 30 photos, minimum. So what if the old Irish men nursing their beers peer over at you, your slutty girlfriend, and your G.B.F. with derisive glares? They'll get over it.
- Post two photos, maximum. Otherwise, you'll look vain.
- Watch Facebook vigilantly. Quickly eliminate any unwarrented photo tags of you which portray you in a realistic light. How dare they???
- When your friends comment that you are the spitting image of Victoria Principal, do not argue. Don't tell them it's just good lighting. Don't tell them about the silk. Or the Iphone. Or the old Irish men nursing their beers. Just say, "Thank you."
Reader Comments (20)
Kate, I am rolling on the floor laughing too hard to compose a proper comment. Gawd, I love your wit, woman!
xoxo
AW, thanks Kellina! ;)
xoxo
Great post! I'm off to find a dimly lit bar (all I have in silk is pyjamas, so that's gonna get some looks from the Irish men, right??!)
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LOVE this .. really made me laugh, my kitten jumped off my lap, and a wee scratch.
Worth it!!!!
Welcome to Everyday Glamour, Ms. Style on the Couch!! Love your name, BTW!
Have fun in your P.J.'s at that Irish Pub!!! Ha ha ha!
AW, thanks! Such a compliment to be worth a cat scratch! :)
Grrr Paula! That'll show 'em!
Too funny Kate! You got me laughing into my iphone/ideal photo situation.
Brazilliant Kate!! :)
Cupcake
Xo
Yeah, and Cara too! ;)
Thanks, Cupcake!
xoxo
I LOVE it!! Luckily, Santa brought me a new Iphone for Christmas so I can get right on this!!
Just copied this list and have it all planned. Just need to a find a G.B.F, which shouldn't be too difficult. Getting him into an Irish bar on the other hand might... I can do this, I can pose my booty off in silk whilst knocking back a beer, sorry, glass of wine and make slutty eyes into a friend's iphone. Yes I can!
Hehe, you make me laugh! The funniest part is that people actually do this beeping stuff!
Adore you Kate!
x
GREAT!! :) Let me know how it all turns out! ;)
Milla, you must find a G.B.F. pronto!! :)
(I adore you too, Milla!)
xoxo
CAN'T TAKE IT!! SO glad I won't have to give up sausage. In the literal sense, of course.
Is this post stemming from the compliment I paid you on your photo? If it is, then, I'm totally giving myself a pat on the back right now.
By the way, I am currently "removing tags" as we speak. You're right...HOW DARE THEY!!!
Animals. I should defriend them.
Ha ha! No no! But I will say that in my profile pic, I am wearing siilk! ;) he he
I know, right? :)
Does silk remind men of sex?
Ha ha ha, who knows? All I know is #5!!!! That's for DAMN sure!
(You make me laugh!)
haha amazing Kate! You go girl and you have a long tail behind you - US following you:) xxx
Ha ha, thank you Justyna! You are so sweet!!! xoxox